(About Loring)<\/a>.\u00a0 Standing at the back end of one of the storage bunkers, my wife took the photograph above –\u00a0 my son and I executing a standard bow and handshake as we stood in the doorway to the outside world.<\/p>\nThe remarkable duality depicted in this photo struck me this morning.\u00a0 To one side of our position lived the cold, dark, brooding emptiness of a bunker once home to the capacity to wipe humankind from the face of the earth.\u00a0 Yet, to the other side lay the brightness, beauty, and potential of a world of infinite possibilities.\u00a0 And there we stood, my son and I, bowing along the delicate nexus of dark and light … despair and hope … life and death.\u00a0 We were not perched precariously on some razor thin cliff, but rather existed as a harmonious and necessary link, or perhaps barrier, between the two sides.\u00a0 My son and I stood there as two individuals – each with our own unique strengths, weaknesses, and life experiences – exhibiting two of the most recognizable symbols of mutual respect\u00a0 – the bow and handshake.<\/p>\n
And that is the lesson of “Onegaishimasu.”\u00a0\u00a0In our dojo, karateka shake hands with both hands\u00a0 simultaneously to show we hide no weapon from, or malice toward, the opposing party.\u00a0 We offer trust by voluntarily constraining our most potent defensive options – our hands – through the two handed handshake.\u00a0 We bow with eyes down in a non-confrontational manner – a gesture of commitment to the belief that the opposing party’s motives and actions are honorable and will not harm us.\u00a0 Onegaishimasu roughly translates as “please,” or, as we translate it, “please teach me.”\u00a0 This ritual exemplifies the mindset of putting aside who may be better than whom, acknowledging that both parties bring strengths and weaknesses that will be valuable learning tools for all involved, and committing to one another to work together towards mutual growth.\u00a0 Developing respect for others often serves as the poster child for the positive character development thought to be associated with karate-do.<\/p>\n
Take a moment to ponder what “respect” really means.\u00a0 Can you define it?\u00a0 What does possessing the character trait of respect look like?\u00a0 \u00a0Are the common definitions of respect seen in our culture the same as those meant within the martial arts world?\u00a0 I would argue that the respect associated with karate-do, with\u00a0Onegaishimasu, bears only marginal resemblance to how the term is often used in American culture.<\/p>\n
Americans often view respect in terms of one of two mindsets.\u00a0 The first mindset is one of awe. “I have such respect for the my Sensei, some actor, or some world class athlete.”\u00a0 Appreciation for another’s mastery of some area should remain just that – appreciation for the beauty of the actions.\u00a0 When one speaks of respect versus appreciation for another, however, one runs the risk of letting awe, or even envy, drive one’s feelings.\u00a0 Perhaps a subtle difference, but vitally important to understand.\u00a0 Envy or awe-driven respect necessarily causes the observer to place him or herself into a subordinate role relative to the observed.\u00a0 Again, there is nothing wrong with appreciating one with skills superior to your own in certain areas – such appreciation can serve as a healthy goal towards which to strive.\u00a0 Inherent feelings of self-worth allow one to avoid having appreciation morph into a less healthy envy or awe, or even into a potentially destructive jealousy.\u00a0 We will return to this thought in a moment.<\/p>\n
“You don’t have to like him, but you’d better %$&* well respect him.”\u00a0 Such a statement exemplifies a second way respect is often “mis”used in American and other cultures.\u00a0 When one tacks the implied “or else” onto the end of this statement, it becomes clear the speaker means fear, not respect.\u00a0 \u00a0Fear is a powerful tool that actually is quite functional in certain situations.\u00a0 To an inmate, a person who lives in a crime-ridden area, or even a nation with enemies who would seek to do you harm, having others fear you may mean the difference between life and death.\u00a0 This fear, however, has nothing to do with respect.\u00a0 Your opponent would just as soon poke you in the eye as do what you want if he or she could get away with it.\u00a0 Respect implies a mutually positive experience; whereas, fear represents posturing meant to achieve a superior positioning through avoidance or compliance.\u00a0 Is the use of fear a necessary tool in the world?\u00a0 Perhaps.\u00a0 Fear is not the respect of which we speak in the way of karate, however.<\/p>\n
So where does that leave us?\u00a0 I would argue that respect is a construct of absolute neutrality.\u00a0 When participants confuse fame, fortune, or being feared with being respected, the balanced nature of a neutral environment is upset.\u00a0 \u00a0If we spend all our time trying to discover and highlight an opponent’s weakness, we’ll either find it and embarass the person or force the opponent’s hand to demonstrate his or her own power.\u00a0 \u00a0Either way, one side loses.\u00a0 In reality, both do.\u00a0 A self-perpetuating destructive cycle results.<\/p>\n
It is the nurturing of the absolute neutrality of the environment that IS respect.\u00a0 Huh?\u00a0 Karate-do seeks to build internal or intrinsic feelings of self-worth rather than allow external criteria or achievement to hold self-esteem prisoner.\u00a0 When one comes to believe all life holds intrinsic value, especially one’s own, you offer the opportunity for respect to, and from, all those you encounter.\u00a0 And it is when your partner approaches you in the same manner that the magic happens.\u00a0 Both parties come to the table with their own unique awesomeness, yet neither feels the need to belittle the other by trying to use it to gain an advantage.\u00a0 What each person gives and receives will be different from the other, but none less valuable.\u00a0 Because being better or worse at something due to natural ability or practice does not define your worth as a human, you are left only to gain from coming to the party and participating.\u00a0 The funny thing is, you’ll be effortlessly giving at the same time and probably not even know it.\u00a0 It is this selfless, reciprocal give and take that is respect.<\/p>\n
To those in my life – my family, my coworkers, and especially my fellow karateka at our dojo – are you not quite there yet in knowing and believing in your own unique awesomeness?\u00a0 Take a chance and come and ask me what I see for strength within you.\u00a0 Dare to come and stand with me, feet together, extend both hands, bow with your eyes down, and whisper\u00a0“Onegaishimasu.”\u00a0 \u00a0You may be surprised what you learn.\u00a0 I guarantee you that your presence in that moment and beyond is the most precious of many gifts that you give to me.<\/p>\n
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Feet together, eyes down, use both hands to shake hands with your training partner. Say “Onegaishimasu.”\u00a0 This ritual begins every partner drill in our dojo.\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 Well, to avoid nuclear Armageddon of course.\u00a0 …\u00a0 Perhaps I should back up one step. My wife, son, and I started a tradition a year or so ago where … <\/p>\n
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